Conversations with Christine
Conversations with Christine, Chapter 2: Defining the Ego
Photo by Kush Dwivedi on Unsplash
It was a summer full of deep connections and long conversations with my oldest sister Christine. The weather was unusually hot. We enjoyed long walks together throughout the forested hills of West Seattle and along the waterfront of Alki Beach.
In one of Christine’s classes for her master’s degree, she was working on personal timelines, charting out her life’s events to identify all of her formative experiences from birth to young adulthood—an exercise she would eventually use to write a memoir.
After an evening picnic at Alki Beach, we sat together in beach chairs overlooking the Seattle skyline, dangling our feet in the water to stay cool.
“Do you remember how we were talking about the Virgin Mary the other night?” My sister asked, “We discussed how Mary symbolized the virgin state of the soul that can be found in the parts of us untouched by the beliefs, habits and patterns learned in early childhood?”
“Yes,” I replied, as I watched the ripples from my feet intersecting hers creating a whole new pattern in the water around us.
“The science of early childhood development,” she continued, “theorizes that from the time of conception until the age of five—some say even seven—we form our beliefs about ourselves. These are the core years during which our false-self or ego personality develops.”
“Remind me,” I asked, “what is the definition of ego personality?”
“I’m defining it as beliefs, habits and patterns that our child self would have formed as a way to survive. Some say these are genetic temperaments that could have been passed down through the generations. Some say it is early environmental experiences.”
“The ego personality is a defense structure that helps us survive. It is instinctive, like an animal choosing fight or flight. As humans, it isn’t meant to be our permanent identity. As one does the work to know thyself, we start to view the ego as our friend who kept us safe. It is a necessary part of our human journey.”
“In Hindu culture,” I chimed in, “some believe that we are born whole and complete. They call this Moksha. My understanding is that they believe we come from source and then, as we experience being human, we fraction into different parts. We forget and see the world through an illusion of Maya, or madness, which causes us to suffer. Is this the same concept that you are talking about Christine?”
“Yes, but I believe that it isn’t a mistake, it is Divinely planned. Each soul, or psyche, has to go through a process of individualization. It is a necessary process to reach the ultimate spiritual goal of being fully awake or, as they describe it in the East, enlightened.”
“So, back to my timeline,” my sister continued. “When I was doing the math to figure out what was going on in our lives, I recalled that in 1965, when I was eleven, our family was living in the old farmhouse near Harborview Elementary School in Juneau. My research revealed that the demolition of that farmhouse was in June of 1965. You were born on the first of August of that year.”
“We didn’t move into the house on Douglas Island until late August. That means we would have been homeless the summer that Mom was pregnant with you.”
“I was told,” I said, “that I was born the summer that Dad was building the Douglas Island house. Our family, at the time, moved into a 2-bedroom apartment while Dad worked fourteen-hour days with fellow teachers to build this new home.
I closed my eyes as Christine continued to speak.
I was imagining what my mother must have felt—the anxiety and adrenaline she was experiencing at that time that would have flowed through my body as well.
As my sister described these earliest experiences of my life, I could see the scene playing out in my imagination.
“Mom must have been so stressed-out!”
My sister paused.
“Becky, are you okay?”
I was trying to regulate my breath, but her words had deeply impacted me. It was like I was having a somatic experience as she told the story.
“Yes, I’m just breathing my way through this, but wow, this stuff is powerful even to me now!”
Christine continued, “You would have been her eighth child, and from being pregnant myself, that is exhausting work. Morning sickness was hard enough, but to care for all those kids while your husband worked fourteen-hour days. Can you imagine her opening that eviction notice and reading about the scheduled demolition of the farmhouse they were renting? That was intense. That stress, while you were in utero, must have been your earliest experience in the development of your core childhood woundings.”
“I understand what you are saying,” I replied, “but how exactly would an eviction notice and Dad working fourteen hours a day have any effect on me? I’m not understanding.”
“I’m not sure myself, I’m just being curious about it.
“I do know that it has been really hard for you to slow down and relax. You have achieved so many things in your life, and I’m curious if that constant need for pushing yourself so hard could be a result of those early experiences. The level of stress that you seem to find as normal could have been your normal since the time of conception.”
As the sun set we let the conversation come to an end, but something had shifted within me. An awareness of my own beliefs, patterns and habits that would have started from as early as conception.
It was an interesting thought to be curious about.
Conversations with Christine Series
Becky has been exploring creativity, spirituality, and the patterns that shape us through her ongoing series, Conversations with Christine. The series imagines two sisters in deep conversation about life’s larger questions, who we are, what shapes us, and why we are here.
Chapter 1: Archetypes, Symbols and Talismans ·
Chapter 2: Defining the Ego ·
Chapter 3: Woundings ·
Chapter 4: Vices and Virtues ·
Chapter 5: The Spiritual Practice of Journaling ·
Chapter 6: Redefining God ·
Chapter 7: Trinities
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